Malicious Intent Award

First I would like to thank Malicious Intent for bestowing such an honor upon me! It is a privilege to call you "FRIEND"! Thank you for showing me the ropes to this wonderful form of therapy! I am privileged to personally know M.I. and I must say she is a woman of great strength and I admire her! M.I., You're the best, chicky! I must thank my 2 kids that hold me when I cry and tell me that "DICK" doesn't deserve me and is not worth my tears! I would like to thank all of you bloggers that will be reading my blogs, that are so crazy, I can't make this sh*t up! And last (where he belongs) I'd like to thank the bag of horse sh*t, "Dick" for pissing me off to the point that I must vent on the worldwide web!

Phoenix Rose's Dirty Joke of the Week ...

What's the difference between a one night stand and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you put a load in it!

Would You Like to "SWING" on a Star?

Per my introduction by Malicious Intent, I am one pissed off bitch that has a lot to say. This blog has taken me days to write due to its bizarre nature (to me) and the hurt that this issue has caused me. When I mention the word "SWING" what comes to your mind? I personally think of a spring day and children playing at the playground. You know what I mean, happy, joyful and PURE thoughts, not the act of SWAPPING my partner! I have gotten an education on this lifestyle, not by choice I might add, it was more like getting cracked in the head with a baseball bat! This lifestyle presented itself to me in a very shocking way. I dated "Prince Charming" who we will call "Dick" for short (because the name suits him so well) for 6 months. He led me to believe that we were sharing a fulfilling, loving relationship. You know what I mean, when a relationship is new and full of great sex and every date is better then the next. I had no idea that the man who told me he loved me (and claims to still) was living a double life ... He is a SWINGER. "Dick" has a split personality aka Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll is his public persona that everyone in the community loves and who I adored and Mr. Hyde is his swinging persona that only the select few know. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't live in a bubble and I know that swinging is a very common lifestyle in our neighborhoods and community. Let's face it people, there are swingers living all around us, we just don't know it, because it is a "secret society". Please understand that I am not discriminating. I have no problem with their lifestyle and how they choose to live their lives. If it works for them, more power to them. However, it's not for me. This stems from childhood and the fact that I don't like to share! Back to "Dick" ... This is a man that shared very intimate moments, thoughts and desires with me, but didn't think it was necessary for me to know the lifestyle he lives secretly (well not so secret, because come to find out the entire state knows that he is the "King of Swing" and he has been living this lifestyle for over 10 years). I had no clue and was sucker punched when I caught him with his "swing friend"! Understand he never asked me to "swing" with him. He didn't want to share me. He wanted me all for himself and that's where the "swing friend" comes in. Yes, a "swing friend", who I refer to as a "f*ck buddy" or "friend with benefits", but from what I am told (by him) I am wrong when calling her that. You see, he needs the "swing friend" to participate in the lifestyle parties. Single males are not usually welcome to swing, but single females are. So therefore, I have internalized his relationship with the "swing friend" as "he uses her" to feed his addiction to this lifestyle. This is an addiction for him, because he WANTS to share a fulfilling, loving relationship with one person (doesn't want to share this person), but WANTS the ability to swing (with the "swing friend") every 4-6 weeks to feed his addiction for the thrill of the act. Are you following me? Needless to say, I have learned a lot in regards to the art of "swinging" over the past few weeks. I have been doing a lot of research to try to come to terms with all of this.

Let me share with you my findings. It is very interesting, but also very upsetting (to me).

I have learned that ...

"soft swinging" is when a couple watches others indulge (to put it mildly). It can also involve some playing and/or oral from the others if they choose to take it a little further.

"closed swinging" is when couples swap partners and go into separate rooms to be intimate.

"open swinging" is when couples swap and "indulge" in the same room as their partner. This may also be referred to as an orgy!

Understand that by no means am I a prude! I am comfortable with my body and sex! I am very open and think that exploring and keeping your intimate relations spicy is necessary for a healthy adult relationship, but I need to draw the line here! I could never participate in this type of "sexcapades" (and believe me I can be a freak at times). Once again, we can blame it on the fact that I couldn't share my barbie dolls ... therefore it would be impossible for me to share my man! I could never come to terms that my man was in another room sharing intimate moments with someone else. I would always wonder if he was holding her like he holds me? Is he kissing her as passionately as he kisses me? Does he like what she does better? Is she better in bed? The questions would go on and on and on and I would never be able to handle the situation in any way shape, form or position. This is not about being insecure. I was very secure in our relationship. I had no freaking clue this was going on. Knowing that he lives this lifestyle has made me feel as if our sex life was inferior to the sex he has at the lifestyle parties he attends. He told me that we have shared the "best sex of his life" during our relationship. How could this be? How could I ever rate compared to the experiences that he has had living this lifestyle? I was told it's not about the actual sexual act ... It's about the thrill of it and that we shared a great a sex life that he enjoyed very much.

I have no problem with the lifestyle "Dick" leads (I am not here to judge him or anyone that lives this lifestyle). However, I do have a problem that he did not tell me and that is the issue at hand. In my eyes, I had the right to know and in his eyes, he had the right to privacy. I believe that his right to privacy was flushed down the toilet the minute we became intimate. He put my health at risk and I had a right to know "who I was sleeping with". If he is so comfortable with how he chooses to live his life, why is it such a secret? Why did he share a relationship with me knowing that every 4-6 weeks he needed to go "do his thing"? It will be impossible for "Dick" to ever be in a monogamous relationship with anyone. It will never be exciting enough for him. Can someone please tell me how "Prince Charming" could seem to be so perfect only to turn out to be a "horny toad"?

Drive Safe

During these winter months, driving can sometimes be hazardous. With that being said, please keep in mind that having sex doggy style is like driving on ice. Once slip and you can f*ck up someones rear end. So please drive safe!

Dear Walter:

Walter is an advice column writer, this is an article from a troubled lady.

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for
work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I
hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out
and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was
in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I
am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back
yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her
unconscious He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,
and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him, and he was attempting to break free when I came back.
But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job
six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed
and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the
ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get
through to him anymore. Can you please help me with my problem?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself
is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter

KARMA

You know, there is an old saying, "what goes around, comes around!" and we have to BELIEVE that is true (as M.I. has taught me, we must believe in something). It's called karma and one day the creeps of this world that cause us heartache and sometimes pain will someday get it back 10 times worse (hopefully more). It may not happen right away. It may not happen next week or even 3 months from now. But when it does happen, look out! It's going to feel like someone hit them in the head with a shovel!

I am at a complete loss as to why people go through life lying. What do they get out of it? Eventually they get caught. Hell, sometimes when they do get caught, they cover it up with another lie. And it just goes on and on and on and on. I really believe that it gets to a point where their lies become their truth. They lie so much that lying is their reality. They lie to get what they want and then lie some more to get out of what they don't want anymore! They even lie to make themselves look good. It's truly disgusting and pathetic!

Are there times when the truth needs to be told a little bit differently? Well ... sure! But that does not mean you need to be a pathological liar! Sometimes the "real" truth hurts, but it must be told. I would rather be hurt with the truth then lied to! I believe the hurt and betrayal felt from a lie is definitely worse then hearing the truth from the beginning!

Well my little Pinnochio's let us keep in mind ... Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos and what you do today, will burn your ass tomorrow!